Yet, it keeps happening. I am so naive.

Is it wrong to be naive? Is it wrong to think everything's going to be okay? You know, when I'm depressed it seems as though everything goes just fine. I don't put myself up to be let down. Then as things start to get better, I open myself, then get shot down. Maybe depression is an answer to happiness. Who knows? I know I sure as hell don't. It's apparent I'm clueless.

Here it goes. Here's the root of my feelings.

The guy I gave my love and heart to just emotionally killed me. He pretty much stated that his friends and getting high were more important than me. I don't know about you guys but whoever's been down the road involved with drugs knows that when there's drugs involved, you have no real friends. You have drug buddies. He threw a great relationship out of the window for people who wouldn't loan him $100 to get out of jail. The guy who claimed he loved me so much did this to me.

Am I bitter? Fuck yes, I couldn't be more bitter. How am I supposed to react to that? I told him how much I despise him and how disgusting he was and he couldn't understand why I was saying that.

Then I plainly stated that after he gives me the money he owes me he'll never be bothered by my presence again and that if one day he decides to grow up, that he can give me a call.

After I took him home, I went to my mom, the person I've been neglecting since I started this relationship. She gave me a hug and it felt so great. I miss being able to hug my mother.

My mother gave me some good advice, "You can love someone but that doesn't mean you can be with them."

I love tawd so much but I cannot accept the order of his priorities. I love him so much but I cannot sacrifice my emotional well being for him. I need to be emotionally well for the sake of my daughter.

tawd, this is how I want to remember us. I want to remember us when we were having good times, not bad. I want to remember how good you were with Twyla.

I will never stop loving you, and I will never forget about you but one day I will get over you. And as much as I don't want to do it, it's time to say goodbye forever.

Goodbye, tawd, I love you so much but hate you at the same time.

-n0fx