I have yet to tell my grandfather about this. I know it sounds really pussy but I am going to write a letter explaining everything that's going on and show up at the house tomorrow and give it to him and tell him not to read it until after I leave. And in the letter, I'll put "If you disown me over this, don't bother talking to me or calling me, but if you support me and are going to help me, then I'll be expecting a message on my answering machine when I get home." It's just too difficult to tell him to his face, to see the dissapointment that's going to be clearly visible on his face.

I don't know if it's the medication or what but it's almost as if I'm having anxiety attacks. I went out driving tonight, no particular destination, just driving and I had never been so scared. Everything that was going on was making me nervous, I kept thinking my car was making funny noises and I kept thinking cars were following me. I have to sound like a fuckin nut case. I've been real jumpy too, the littlest sound wakes me up at night and it's hard to go back to sleep. I could barely make myself get up and go to the bathroom this morning because I was scared of the dark. I've always had a slight fear of the dark but nothing to where I couldn't force myself to get up and piss.

I've been thinking about this whole situation I'm in right now and I'm confused. At first, there was no way in hell I was going to keep this child. Zilch, zero, nope, no fucking way. But as I started thinking about it, it seems almost impossible that I'll be able to give the child up. I mean, I carried it for 9 months, I went through the pain of giving birth to it, and I'm going to be the first one besides the doctors and nurses to see it. I just really don't know...

-n0fx